It’s amazing what strange, utterly bizarre things you stumble across while researching for a story. A while back, while looking something up for a short story, me and a friend fell down a rabbit hole of patron saints. And not just your usual suspects—saints of writers, travellers, lost causes. No, we found an entirely different category.
The kind that makes you go who decided this was a thing?!
Apparently, there’s a patron saint for twitching, arms dealers, and even greeting card manufacturers (I don’t know what’s so spiritually treacherous about making “Happy Birthday” cards, but here we are).
And now I have questions.
Who decides these things?
Why would you want or need a patron saint of caterpillars??
How does one even become the Patron Saint of Hangovers? (Did they die doing tequila shots?)
Sadly, none of these will feature as characters in my current story—I was just looking for a name for a building, and yet, here we are.
But honestly? I’m kind of tempted.
Some of the Best (and Strangest) Patron Saints
This is not an exhaustive list. But it is a highly entertaining one.
🍷 Saint Monica – Patron of Alcoholics (which somehow makes sense, considering she was Saint Augustine’s long-suffering mother).
😳 St. Fiacre – Patron of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (how does one qualify for this, exactly?).
🐛 Saint Magnus of Fussen – Patron of Caterpillars (was he just a really big fan of them? Did they follow him around?).
⏰ St. Vitus – Patron of Oversleeping (same).
🔥 Saint Barbara – Patron of Fireworks, Firefighters, and those who work with explosives (this one at least makes sense, if a little ominous).
😬 St. Clotilde – Patron of Disappointing Children (absolutely brutal).
👀 Saint Drogo – Patron of Unattractive People (was there a committee vote on this?).
💊 St. Jesus Malverde – Patron of Drug Dealers (sure, why not?).
🦷 Saint Apollonia – Patron of Dentists (somehow less terrifying than the Tooth Fairy).
🌐 St. Isidore of Seville – Patron Saint of the Internet (probably very disappointed in how we’re using it).
And these two battle for the crown of Best/Worst:
🍾 St. Bibiana – Patron Saint of Hangovers (somebody, somewhere, has lit a candle to her after a night out).
🐺 St. Hubert of Liege – Patron of Mad Dogs and Protection from Werewolves (finally, some practical applications!).
Fictional Potential: Saints in Stories
The more I think about it, the more I realise that these saints are wasted on reality. Imagine the possibilities for humour fiction, fantasy, or absurdist storytelling:
✔️ A detective agency run by patron saints—St. Hubert hunting werewolves, St. Monica begrudgingly handling alcohol-related cases, St. Clotilde sighing dramatically every time someone makes a bad decision.
✔️ A support group where St. Bibiana helps people recover from a wild night, while St. Fiacre has... other concerns.
✔️ A buddy cop story featuring St. Drogo (Patron of Unattractive People) and St. Isidore (Patron of the Internet), forced to work together on a cybercrime case.
✔️ A chaotic modern fantasy, where long-forgotten saints are trying to stay relevant in the modern world (Saint Barbara managing a fireworks display, St. Apollonia dealing with bad dental hygiene cases).
Honestly, the list writes itself.
If you think I’m making any of this up (I wish), extended lists can be found here and here—and I’m sure the internet holds even more.
If nothing else, I now know that someone, somewhere, is spiritually looking out for fireworks technicians, caterpillars, and people who oversleep.
(And honestly? That last one gives me some hope.)
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